My head has been in a bit of a mess this New Year. I’ve been struggling to find my feet, struggling to get back into the rhythm of writing regularly and struggling to accept the cost of my new freedom. Now I don’t have a job, I’ve been scared about not having enough money and worried about what I sound like saying “we can’t afford [insert basic item here]”. I haven’t said it for so long. To be honest I can’t remember ever saying it. I’ve never not had enough money to do the things that I wanted to do. That’s not to say I’ve always had lots of money, I’ve just never complained about the money I have. And if I wanted more money, I just resolved to get a better paying job and got on with my life.

The shackles of employment

This is the first time I’ve felt uncomfortable with the amount of money I have but not sought a better paying job to solve the problem. It’s because I now know what comes with a better paying job – loss of freedom. Being in a job means I will lose the freedom to do the things that I want to when I want to without having to ask someone else’s permission. Having a job means I will lose the freedom to follow my interests as they change. Getting stuck in a job means losing the freedom to step away from toxic environments when they start to infect me.

Freedom with shame

The sound of me saying “we can’t afford” is an uncomfortable one. Being in the career I have been in for so long, I have come to associate my self-worth with how much money I earn. Earning nothing has had me thinking and feeling like I am nothing. The thoughts have become so loud now that I’ve stopped appreciating the freedom I have. Freedom has become so normal I don’t even notice it for what it is anymore. The joy of freedom has morphed into feelings of apathy and shame. I can’t seem to focus on anything else and I’m not enjoying myself anymore. To quieten the noise I’ve started looking for a job. Problem is, every time I think about getting a job I think about losing my freedom. I don’t actually want a job! And around the merry-go-round we go. I’m torturing myself.

What’s the message?

I read something about emotions in a post by Shelly Robinson on Instagram. She writes about parenting children, but I’ve been learning about how I need to speak to myself as well as I’ve been reading her posts.

Emotions are a message that our mind and body are trying to tell us that we have an unmet need. We have to listen – to our children and to ourselves. I listened to mine.

I’m feeling inadequate, like a failure, like I’m not enough. These feelings underpin 3 fundamental beliefs:

• What I have done and achieved is not enough.

• Who I am is not enough.

• The choices I make are not good choices.

These beliefs are the ones that have me killing myself with over-work in every single job. They have me ruminating over decisions I’ve made for weeks after I’ve made them, thinking my decision was the wrong one. They make me think people look at me like I’m lesser than, like I don’t matter.

Speak to your inner child

I did a weird thing – I pictured my inner child and started to speak to her. There is a picture of me that my mum has which looks kind of cute. My hair looks neat and I’m wearing all pink and I’m smiling. I think I’m about 5 or 6 in the picture. It’s the me before I’m myself if you like. The me before I really had my own personality, before I was old enough to achieve anything or make any choices. It is the blank canvas version of me right before the person I am today started to take shape.

I bent down to her and looked right into her eyes just like I do with my son to make sure I’m the only thing holding his attention. I said,

“What you’ve done is enough. It’s plenty. You are enough, you are awesome. Your decisions are good decisions. Yes you mess up sometimes, but so does everybody else. It’s ok to mess up”.

I said it over and over and give my inner child a hug.

I don’t know what kind of therapy this is, but it’s bloody good!

You are enough

I then Googled “How to convince yourself you are enough” and watched a couple of videos, which I will include the links for below.

Steven Furtick: You don’t have to prove yourself: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=363228357667176

I’ve started journaling every day again, which for me is as good as taking a daily vitamin. This journal has a wheel of emotions, which I have been using to label mine. If you want to buy the journal I’m using you can find it here. Happy journaling!

All emotions are valid.

I’ve found my way back

I’ve found my way again. I’m ok with where I am and what I’m doing. I’m taking a well-needed rest, exploring my interests and trying to be present for my kids. I don’t know how long I’ll be ok, and it doesn’t really matter. What I do know is if I lose my way again, I know how to find my way back.

I am enough. Say it with me.

If you’re having a hard time and want to share your feelings, I’m happy to listen. Leave a comment or get in touch.

If you liked this blog post, check out my other blog posts here

Take care.