When I started blogging I had images of people on their travels taking pictures of beautiful sunsets and journaling about great places to eat. As I understand it, that was how blogging started. From all the research I’ve been doing lately on what makes a great blog, it seems as though the blogging landscape has changed. People now expect information, data, references, recipes, instructions and list upon list from a blog and they expect your blog to have a niche. But I am not a niche!

One of the most common blog topics is ‘how to write a blog’. People are literally now just blogging about blogging. That’s not going to work for me. I will read a few blog posts on a blog about blogging and then never pick it up again. The blogs that interest me, the ones that keep me coming back, are the blogs that let you in to see the person writing the blog. They do not have a niche. The blogs that interest me are the ones where you know from the blog posts that the writer is someone you could sit across the table from and put the world to rights with over a nice cold beer. I like blogs about life. My blog is about my life and my life doesn’t fit neatly into a niche. I am not a niche.

So let’s get into today’s blog topic.

What I’ve learned about my kids’ tantrums

Hanging out with my kids is one of my favourite things to do. I love hearing about their day. I love hearing about their friends. I’d love to say I’m a natural at this parenting gig, but I’m not, I’m guessing my way through every day just like everyone else is.

After reading The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry my approach to parenting changed. There was a lovely story (not for the author) about her daughter throwing a tantrum when they needed to go somewhere by a certain time and against her instincts she decided to just sit on the step next to her enraged daughter and wait until she was ready.

Taking the time to empathise

My youngest is at that ‘tantrum’ age. But I understand him more now. He doesn’t have the skills to cope with his anger and he doesn’t have the vocabulary yet to fully articulate his frustrations. His tantrums usually happen when I’ve asked him to stop playing because either it’s time to get ready for bed or we need to get somewhere and we’re running late.

If I was being dragged away from something I was interested in I’d be angry too. If I didn’t have the words to say why I was angry I’d probably be rolling around on the floor and frothing at the mouth just the same.

I didn’t know about this when my oldest was this age. I would fight with her trying to get her shoes on so we could leave the house on time. It would take just as much time as if I had waited until she calmed down. Taking the time to empathise with my kids helps me to understand them better, it helps me to help them find the words to express their feelings and it helps me to plan for melt-down mitigation.  

Parents can mess you up good

I’ve raved about this book to anyone that will listen. In the absence of literature like this we’re all just making it up, or worse, just mimicking how we were parented. Parents can mess you up good. Without understanding the power of their influence, they can build you up and give you an over-inflated ego which will set you up for a lifetime of unmet expectations when you step out into the big wide world on your own, or they can make you feel small and limited like you’ll never amount to anything. Young minds soak up their environment like a sponge, like a little computer learning.

My daughter repeats things I didn’t even realise she heard. It’s scary. So I’m as hyper-conscious about the messages I feed to her as I am about the messages I’m feeding to myself on Twitter(X). I use doing her hair as an opportunity to talk to her about life and challenge what she’s learned out there in the world when I’m not there. I love talking to her. She’s 7 years old now as I write this and she asks the most interesting questions.

If I’m totally honest though, until I read this book and started listening to Gabor Mate, I was just an authority figure to her, just as my mum was to me at that age. I thought that was how it was meant to go. Your job is to tell them what to do, where to go and keep them on the straight and narrow and out of trouble. It doesn’t invite trust though.

I have educated myself

When my daughter was experiencing some confidence issues, nothing unusual for her stage of development I came to realise, she didn’t come to me for comfort. When she was crippled with fear about performing on stage she didn’t cry to me. Instead, she ran off and sat in a pool of sadness all on her own. She was afraid of me and what I would say. And what I did say wasn’t particularly supportive.

I’m ashamed of that time but I have educated myself and our relationship is so much better now. We talk about how to deal with her feelings of fear and rejection from others. We talk about how to express her feelings if she doesn’t feel like she can talk about them. She draws all the time now and writes notes to me when she’s sad. It’s a great prompt to what always ends up being a great conversation. She is an incredible writer and feels so much more comfortable in her own skin now. I’m so proud of who she is.

All they need is love

Gabor Mate taught me that all your kids need is your love. They need to feel a sense of belonging when they’re around you and you just need to show them that you want them in your presence. It sounds pretty simple but it’s not necessarily common sense. It certainly wasn’t how I was raised. I was raised to keep quiet when the adults were talking and chastised for being too quiet when I was prompted to speak. I was never good enough. Sometimes I hear myself criticising my daughter like I was criticised when I was her age. The behaviour pattern is there unfortunately but at least when I’m aware it’s happening I try to stop. It didn’t do me any good and I don’t want to pass that onto my daughter.

Whatever my kids consider to be important is important to me. Every conversation or drama that they share with me is important. Every question and conclusion they have about life, the world and everything is fascinating to me. They fill me up and I’m so grateful I’m at this juncture in my life where I can choose to be around for them more.

My job as a parent

I realise now that my job isn’t to just tell them what to do and to keep them under control. My job is to help them figure out how to do this thing called life. Keep them safe, yes. Offer guidance, yes. But keep them controlled and dampen their curiosity, no. My job is to arm them with tools and provide them somewhere they will always belong.

Have you read any books or watched any videos that have challenged you as a parent? Do you have any behaviour patterns that you’d like to change or that you are aware need to change? Let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

So as you can now tell from my eclectic mix of discussion topics, this blog does not have a niche. This blog is about my life, my thoughts and what I have learned. I am not a niche. And neither are you.

If you liked this blog post, check out my other blog posts here

Take care.